i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
