theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
