we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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