If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
