Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
