Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
