Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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