Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
