I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
