Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
