just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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