I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
