Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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