My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
