I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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