So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
