Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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