im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
