Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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