We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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