Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
