I wish I could teleport
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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