Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
