She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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