life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
