you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
