I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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