I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
