I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
