I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
