Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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