dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
