I have demons in me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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