people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize