But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
