he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was confusing and full of hummus
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
