Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize