you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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