Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
