Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
