my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize