I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Randomize
