Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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