my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
