you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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