now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize