WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize