I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
