Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
