remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
