Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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