found the other keg... it's in the tree
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
