I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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