Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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