If that was your dad, he is hot
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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