If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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